THE D-WORD
“I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work,at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll say something about it or not.”
C S Lewis: A Grief Observed
Talking to the Bereaved
People often quite simply don't know what to say to someone whose husband or wife, parent, child, friend or colleague has just died, or who is dying.
The author CS Lewis in the quote at the top of this page wrote powerfully of this awkwardness when his wife Joy died of cancer in 1960.
When BBC Radio 4 presenter Nick Clarke died in 2006, his widow Barbara was left feeling isolated and confused by the reactions of her friends and colleagues, unable to meet her in her grief.
'Even my close friends don't want to talk to me about grief because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I watch them cross the road when they see me. But, for me, talking about all sorts of other things, as if my husband hadn't existed, is horrendous'.
Of course we can't take away the pain, despair and suffering that the many of the bereaved experience. But the simple act of knowing how to listen can provide comfort and reassurance, as Bararba discovered. 'The most helpful thing,' she said, 'is having a friend to sit with me and let me talk'.
Talking about Death and Dying
We are just as ill-prepared when it comes to talking to someone who is dying. We often don't know what to say, or how to broach the subject.
During Sue Brayne's end-of-life research with Dr Peter Fenwick, they became increasingly aware of how many doctors, nurses and end-of-life carers struggled to know how to respond to questions about death and dying, both from the dying and their relatives.
When poorly or inappropriately handled, the dying process can become a game of pretence, instead of a meaningful spiritual progression where everyone concerned can face the truth and grow together.
It hasn’t always been like this. During the Middle Ages the Ars Moriendi (The Art of Dying) was produced as 11 woodcuts, illustrating the different stages of the dying process.
Contemplation and reflection on these woodcuts was encouraged, to inspire spiritual comfort and solace to those nearing the end of life, particularly during the time of the Black Death. It was said to be a best-seller for 200 years.
Today, innovating life-extending medical treatments have overridden care for the soul. Consequently death is often regarded as a medical failure, and usually hidden away in hospitals, hospices, nursing homes and mortuaries. We have lost the ability to talk openly about death and dying. Even many doctors and nurses struggle to know what to say, or how to say the D-Word.
Two booklets End of Life Experiences and Nearing the End of Life offer information for carers, relatives and friends on how to talk about death and dying, and the best way of giving support to someone entering the final phase of life.