Be honest: Often in difficult situations we tend to search for the ‘right’ or clever thing to say. Or we deny what’s happening, or make a joke of it. While such reactions are understandable - humour has its place, even in distressing situations - most people just need us to be there, and perhaps hold a hand. The act of sharing ourselves opening and honestly can be very soothing.
Engage body language: Don’t be afraid to look the person in the eye. Be alert and attentive to what they are telling you, and how they are telling you that. Listen to their tone of voice and be aware of changes to their facial colour; their willingness to engage with you; their willingness to meet your eyes.
Is what they are saying really what they mean? Are they conveying something with their body language that they are not expressing with words? If so, invite them to tell you what they really want to say.
Try to put your own thoughts aside: It’s easy for your attention to be emotionally hijacked by feelings or memories triggered by the person's experience, of your fears for their future, or perhaps by something else that is happening in your life which is preoccupying you.
You may feel embarrased by emotional intimacy, or fearful of seeing the person cry. You may feel helpless, and even useless when confronted by their despair. Breathe slowly to calm yourself so you can be there for them.
Ground yourself by feeling your feet firmly on the floor. This will help you to be present and accepting of what the person is going through.
Don't feel you have to fill silences: Silences can be the space where the greatest insights are gained. Give the person room to work out what they are feeling and thinking. They will talk soon enough.
You can't fix it: No matter how much you want to make it better, you can't. This is their life experience. They will learn how to deal with it in the best way they know how. All you can do is be there for them, and show you care.
It's okay to cry: Crying is a natural response to emotionally charged situations.
DIFFERENT TYPES OF QUESTIONS
AND HOW TO USE THEM
Sometimes it is obvious what a person wants and needs to talk about. You can help them explore what they are experiencing by using different types of questions.
Open questions: How, When, Where, Who, What, and Why (although be a little careful with Why, as it can sometimes sound accusatory or intrusive). Open questions give the message that you are paying attention, and will encourage the person to talk more openly
Closed questions: There is a place for questions which prompt yes/no answers. ‘Did you?’, ‘Will you?’, ‘Can you?’ But be aware that these can also sometimes close communication.
Direct questions: Asking ‘Are you frightened?’ or ‘What are your fears?’ provides an opportunity for honest communication.
Some people are not used to talking. They may not know how to ask for help, but it is clear they are in upset.
Indirect questions: A softer approach often works well. ‘I wonder whether there’s anything you want to talk to me about?’ or ‘Perhaps there’s something bothering you which you want to tell me about?’ or ‘What can I do to help you at the moment?’
This indirect approach gives the person the choice to respond, or to say no. Providing choice is empowering. They may decline initially, but will know the door is open if they want to talk later. Indirect, exploring questions give the signal that you are safe to talk to, and that you care.
Leading questions: You also can ask gently leading questions to find out how they are feeling, such as, ‘If you want to talk about what's bothering you, who would you like to talk to?' Again, this provides the person with the choice to respond or not.
Short statements: These can also provide comfort. You might say ‘If there ever comes a time when you want to talk about it, please do tell me’. This gives the person permission to talk in his or her own time, without expectation.